Dancing with death: Family dynamics

12th January 2024, 8:40 pm

A strong theme in the Soul Companions training programme is the importance and value of understanding family dynamics. Family dynamics refer to the patterns of relating, communicating, and interacting among family members. Families are built and often sustained through their unique set of dynamics which shape ways of thinking, behaving, perceiving the world and ‘of being’. As with most things these patterns of behaviour are constantly influx, transform whilst still seemingly indelibly imprinted as they are slowly formed and re-formed within families across generations.  These patterns of behaviour are as naturally taken on board as they can be consciously rejected.  These unspoken codes and practices of inter-family interaction and engagement can be helpful and life- affirming , and at times (and sometimes at the very same time), abusive and soul-destroying.

Framed within the wider social context of drivers such as culture, ethnicity, language, nationality, religion and socio-economic positioning, a person’s family dynamic will play a vital role in how a person lives and dies.  The list that was shared on the programme in terms of factors that influence family dynamics is extensive and includes:

• The nature of your parent’s or guardian’s relationship with a significant other

• A parent or guarding who was absent for a period of your life.

• A mix of different family members, such as aunts, uncles or cousins that played significant roles in your life as well as the number and personalities of members of your immediate family.

• External events or conditions which affected the family or family members such as severe illness, trauma, death, unemployment, or homelessness

• Parenting styles (i.e., being particularly soft or strict, predicable or chaotic)

What is evident is that family dynamics matter.

How we as death doulas and end-of-life planners observe, value and navigate patterns and interactions between different members of the families we work with is very important.

As death doulas, talking matters.

How we talk and hold conversations matters, not least when it comes to death and dying. For our role is to normalise death and dying by holding conversations with the purpose of finding out how best to support a dying person and impart their desires and requirements, within an often-charged family circle. As such, part of our role is to keep the environment free of anger, resentment, and misunderstanding and to facilitate open and productive dialogue.

Not a walk in the park, for sure.

So, how do we navigate family dynamics? What is the dance?

Stepping lightly, with purpose – archetypes as whispers

An archetype is a pattern that connects the people of the world across time and culture. The idea of the archetype was conceived by Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung. In writing, archetypes are characters or symbols that are recognizable irrespective of their place or time of origin. They are considered to symbolise basic human motivations, values and personalities. (Cherry, 2023)

There is a saying that ‘death brings out the best and worst of people’. I think death and dying bring families into crisis and stress from which a wide range of behaviours - some expected and some less so – are enacted and experienced.  Human behaviour is messy, complex, beautiful and at times divine. It can also be destructive and toxic.  Given just this fact, it is perhaps axiomatic that families, and the family dynamics in operation or triggered when a family member is dying  can in some cases hinder a good death. As a death doula it is important to observe, respect and find ways to walk alongside families of the loved one you are supporting. An understanding of archetypes can help map the terrain. As outlined above, archetypes can manifest as patterns of behaviours, symbols, or characters that are recognisable across different cultures and time periods. They include:

The villain

The loner

The wise old man

The Rebel

The Joker

The Caregiver

The Organiser

The dictator

Innocent

Nurturer

The Protector

The Outsider

Interestingly the link being made is with a collective unconsciousness; archetypes are powerful because they help us organise our reality, they are seemingly innately and unlearned ways of categorising and understanding human behavior. Conceptualised as a framing guide, a ‘way in’ and not a hard prescriptive exercise, exploring family dynamics via an archetypical lens can be a powerful source of insight.

Patterning the behaviours of family members using archetypes can help you find ways to support individuals, navigate painful conversations and find ways to bring families together to  make decisions and move forward with their dying loved one and their end-of-life wishes.

Note to Self

Ha!

We are all part of a family – families of origin (our ethnicity, culture, values and norm passed on blood through the generations), families of choice (of connections with friends, lovers and partners) as well as the communities we live, work and practice in.  To become skilled in observing, mapping and navigating family dynamics as an end of life planner one must be ever mindful of their own personal positioning. What I have learned is how I show up, how I present myself, what triggers I have and indeed how I respond to another person’s behaviour and their family dynamics is very much rooted in my own family linages, ties, dynamics and patterns of knowing and being.  What are my dominant archetypes? What is my family dynamic? How do I navigate archetypes I come across that trigger me based on my own family dynamic and experience? How do I rein in my tendency to want to find solutions (The Problem solver), to resist conflict (The Appeaser), to want to do everything (The Martyr) and make sure everyone is always alright (The caregiver)?  How do I resist not pouring all my life’s anger into the family member who is resisting their loved one’s wishes because they want to do what they think is right? 

Mmmm…

What could help us navigate the family circles of support? Tips for the nimble

Doulas hold space, something I explored at the beginning of my journey.

Holding space involves being present, compassionate, and supportive without trying to fix or change the other person or their circumstances. It requires active listening, empathy, and creating a safe environment for open dialogue. Mindful of a person’s family dynamic as a doula allows for insight. In terms of the following navigational pointers, it allows you to find ways to work with individual family members, to support the loved one who is dying, and importantly, to determine the best way of communicating and getting people to talk together and make decisions. Navigational pointers include:

• Be mindful that families are blended and multi-layered: Families extend beyond blood. In some cultures, the person introduced to you as Auntie or Uncle or even Mom are people with no blood connection to the loved one. The person identified as a 'friend' may be a long term partner or lover. Each family is self-defining.

• Be clear about your purpose and your role: The contract made with the dying person (and - as the case may be, their family) is important as is the documentation you capture as part of the planning process (i.e., future care plans). These documents can be used as guide and reminder, centring as primary the loved ones wishes.

•  Engage with curiosity: Approach the family members and the family dynamic that unfolds with curiosity. With this comes an openness and genuine desire to learn and understand the range of perspectives and the archetypes that you may come across in people.

•  Do more listening than talking: Actively listen to family members, affirming their feelings, can help you find ways to compassionately and clearly give voice to the dying person’s wishes and  - when necessary  - guide the dialogue in ways that are meaningful for the family

• Prepare yourself emotionally: Take the time to center yourself and be emotionally prepared as you uncover family patterns that you care either over-familiar with, or that are disturbing or unsettling to you.

 For me, the key point is to see the family and support circle as the light surrounding the person who is dying. Just as it is privilege to walk alongside dying person it is a privilege to have the opportunity to become involved in family circles outside my own during this period of transition and change. With this comes a responsibility to observe their family dynamic, their family dance with care and compassion.